The Funniest Story I’ve Ever Heard (that happened Inside the Temple)

I’m so happy that my mom felt comfortable enough to still share this funny story with me even though she knows I don’t believe in the church anymore.  You’d think she’d want to tell me something spiritual that happened with her while in the sacred temple instead of something completely the opposite,  but she surprised me today.  This is what happened in the temple with my mom this week:

While watching the A&E channel (the Adam & Eve channel, that is) in the temple, she was apparently tapping her foot up in down nervously (or out of complete boredom, you be the judge) , as her knee went up and down a lady sitting next to her looked over at her and quietly put her hand on my mom’s knee to stop it from moving.  Yeah, this stranger actually put her hand on my mom’s knee!  My mom, slightly embarrassed by this, looked over at the lady to kindly apologize.  When she met eyes with this lady, however, she received the kind of staredown that would make Al Pacino tinkle in his panties.  My mom said she got the kind of look that said, “don’t mess with me”.

Well, my mom was completely taken back by this lady’s actions- “how could someone be acting like this- and in the temple!”.  Seeing as my mom lost the stare-down contest, and she had completely lost any interest in the movie by now, with husband snoring by her side she quickly decided how she could somehow get back at the mean lady, I mean “what was she thinking putting her hand on my knee, anyway!”  For the next few minutes, my mom sat there thinking “what can I do to get back at her?”  My mom decided the best thing she could do would be to beat the other woman at putting on the temple clothes.

…So when it came time to robe up (during the temple film), you should have seen my mom go to town to beat the lady sitting next to her.  As soon as was time, my mom and her new rival at her side new what was about to go down.  Yeah, the lady at her side had the same idea.  It was on.  They stood up and in a hazy blur of white and green fabric, my mom got sashed up quicker than Rome’s best Olympic dressers.  With a mere bead of sweat emerging from her forehead, and slightly short of breath, my mother had clearly beaten her enemy.

The fury could be felt as heat emanated from the woman by her side.  You could tell she was now furious and even trembled as she attempted to bottle up the rage- they were in the House of the Lord, afterall- but you could tell she would be ready when it was time to switch their sashes to the other side.

Both women inched their feet slightly out of their slippers just waiting for the moment to explode out of their slippers and sashes to beat the other at this ancient dressing ritual that dates back all the way to 17th century Masonry.  This time, however, the lady at my mom’s side had some dirty tricks up her sleeves.

The characters in the video had spoken.  The time had come to change sashes to the other side.  In a burst of speed, the women worked quickly in the small spaces they were allotted but my mom struggled to get out of her slippers, get back into her slippers and re-sash because the lady by her side was stiffly blocking my mother’s movement with her extended elbow!  (I’m not making this up, folks).  Needless to say, the Sash-Switch Round Two victory was awarded to my mother’s new temple enemy.

By this time my mother, listening to the Spirit (who decided to show up to the match), thought, “this is ridiculous: I’m in the temple and this is getting way out of hand”.  She made a silent “truce” to herself and to her foe, and decided she wouldn’t let the Spirit of Discord (who apparently got into the temple with a fake recommend) gain control over her.  She was done with these childish games.  So she calmed herself down, and started to pay attention to the temple ceremony in progress.   She thought that the lady next to her had silently made a truce with her as well since she wasn’t looking at her at all.

When it was time to go through the veil, though, my mom and her chair-neighbor were side by side to shake hands with the other side and cite the Boy Scout Honor (or whatever the marrow in the bones thing is called).  My mom was completely cooled off by then but she told me, “you should have seen how fast that lady could talk as she cited her vows and tokens to the temple worker to beat me through the veil!!”

~ by Anubys on April 16, 2007.